I understand your plight. You are well settled as a widow and you look after your only son in his adolescence with great care. And now you’ve found he is on drugs. What can you do? I’m going to tell you something very hard but very real. You’ll help your son in every way possible to keep him from sinking, but the best thing you can do for him is not to sink with him. Don’t be disheartened. He is your son, by all means, and his pain is your pain, but he is one person and you are another, and you are both distinct and separate. You love him very much and do well in doing so, but you must not identify with him. If you sink with him, there will be two to sink instead of one. That does not help anyone. Be strong. Happen what may.

If anyone is drowning in the river and has still strength left, the best way to help them is to throw them a rope from the shore. If you jump into the river to be by their side, both of you will sink. Be steady on dry land to help your son better. Do not sink. Continue with your life and let him see that. “I love you with all my heart and I’ll do everything possible to help you, my son, but you are you and I am I. If you go down, I’ll feel it with all my soul, but I won’t go down. And I want you to know that.” He’ll respect you all the more for that. Total help, and total independence. That’s the way to come out of the trial. You are not to live his life for him. You live your life, and he lives his. Very close but quite different. Keep up your friendships, your occupation, your recreation. Do not weave your life around your son. Do stand by his side, but never depending on him.

And don’t be afraid to be strict with him. And to control the money he spends. Let him know drugs claim higher and higher doses and become unbearably expensive leading to thefts and violence. Let him not harbour any illusion that he is not yet an addict and can leave the drug any time he wants. They all say that and by the time they really want to come out in desperation, they cannot. Whatever level he is at, the sooner he quits, the better. He knows it but you tell him too.

About direct help for him, there is nothing you don’t know. Depends how far he’s gone. The company he keeps is important. And his keeping busy and entertained. Do not pretend to keep him company. In any case, it is his life. How are his studies? Let him realise his life is at stake. Professional help can do much, whether personalised or in an institution. And the family will rally round. Do not lose hope, which is your best contribution. I, and all those who read this are with you before God.

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By the way, you’re all wrong. In my 15 April Web the good girl was Lufthansa. Of course I took her flight.